Ray’s Anatomy
by Genocidal Smasher
Summary: This is a comedy, because ER could use some laughs and less depression! Neela and Ray plan to take their relationship to the next step...in a big way. Morris has some new med students. A new attending rustles feathers. Sam has an admirer. WIP enjoy! Laugh
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Ray's Anatomy

**Disclaimer:** I don't own ER, I don't have anything to do with the show. All copyrights belong to their respected owners. Don't sue me! Instead you should hire some fan writers to work for ER so we can get the roomies together...forever..the end. ha ha.

**A/N and Summary:** This is the third ER story I have done and they are the same universe. So if you'd like to catch up, my first story was Caught on the Line, and the second was All Hallow's I.V. Let's face it, ER can be a total drag and very depressing...especially the past 2 seasons. So for a change, this story is a _comedy_! In this story, Neela and Ray get serious and make plans for their future together. Simon joins the staff...sorry! I Like Simon (and Sea Patrol) but don't worry, he _will not_ touch Neela whatsoever...because that is just wrong. Abby, Morris, Luka, Pratt, Sam, and Gates are also around. I have more written, and will update soon ;) Enjoy! Hope to give you some laughs! Long live the roomies. Feedback is always appreciated. ;)

* * *

"Hey Neela," Morris said as he trotted over to the elevator lobby

"Hey Neela," Morris said as he trotted over to the elevator lobby. Neela was just coming down the steps when he spotter her. "You get our page?" he asked.

"Yeah, sorry for the bit of delay," she mumbled in her accented monotone, "I was a bit tied up in the lavatory."

"Yeah, those lab guys never know what the hell they're doing," he said. Neela just smiled, not seeing the point in correcting him.

"What do you need?" she asked.

"Surge consult over in Exam 2. Possible appendicitis but I wanted you to have a look."

"Appendicitis?" she asked.

"Yeah," Morris said, "Is that a problem?"

"You paged me four times in ten minutes…for appendicitis?" She said a little annoyed.

They walked down the hall over to the door to the exam room. Morris put his hands in his pocket then explained, "Sorry about that, I'm plagued with some over-zealous med students today. One presented to me with an eighteen-year-old kid. Abdominal pain, elevated white count, urinalysis was normal."

"Alright. Did you get an ultrasound yet?" she asked.

"Yeah, my student did but his anatomy's weird…probably a large mesentery."

Neela folded her arms and peered into the room at the patient. "Could be the diverticulum," she added.

Morris nodded, "That what I was thinking but either way, the kid's gonna need surgery. He's just shook up. I figured you could explain it to him better than I could…I kinda come across as a dumbass sometimes."

"_Kinda_?" she reiterated.

"Thanks, Rasgotra."

Neela giggled a little, "Relax, I'm just kidding."

Morris smiled, "No you're not."

"_No_, I'm not," she repeated before she turned and entered the exam.

Sitting on the bed was a teenage boy clad in all black attire with some eye makeup on. As Neela approached he sat up and nervously rubbed his forearm.

"Bryan, this is Dr. Rasgotra, she's a surgeon who can answers any questions you may have. Alright, Buddy?" Morris asked.

"Su-sure," he responded. "Can you stay too?"

"Sure thing," Morris said as he pulled up a chair.

Neela looked over his chart then began, "Bryan, we believe you may have appendicitis and we're going to need to take you up to surgery to have your appendix removed."

Bryan continued to rub his arms as his nerves grew, "_Believe?_ So I might be ok? What, you would just cut me for nothing?"

"No," she reassured him, "It's not that simple. The appendix isn't always in the same spot for everyone. Yours might be hidden behind your colon or somewhere else so the pain your feeling might be from another condition."

"Like what? I, dude, I chickened out when I tried to get my ears pierced…I don't want to get cut up like a honey baked ham if I don't have to!"

Morris smirked and put his head down, hoping no one noticed. Neela threw him a look of disapproval, then continued, "Well, if you don't have appendicitis, it's possible you could have diverticulitis which is umm, it's basically an inflammation of a part of the small intestine that's near your appendix. But if that is the case, you will still require surgery to remove it."

"Well that's just great. So you're still gonna gut me. I thought the appendix didn't even _do_ anything. How can it get messed up if it's pointless? I just, I don't want to get knocked out and cut open…that's…" he stopped and looked around.

Neela, who still was not very capable with her people skills, blinked a few times, then robotically continued, "Currently there's no known function of the appendix, but it sometimes get inflamed when there's a blockage into the cecum. Most likely from a fecalith."

Bryan looked up confused, "A what-a-lith?"

Neela blinked again, "Fecalith is like a rock made from hardened mucus or um…fecal matter."

"_Fecal matter?_" he asked in shock.

"Yeeessss," she slowly agreed.

"And it's a rock…blocking up… my appendix?"

"Possibly…yes," she nodded.

There was a brief moment of science. Bryan looked up and her, then down at his stomach, then back to her again. "So…you're saying I have a shit-rock stuck in me?"

Morris couldn't hold it in that time, he covered his mouth and started laughing. "That's one way of putting it, I suppose," Neela said.

"A shit-rock? There's a little rock of _shit _in me?" Bryan rolled his eyes, "That is so typical of my luck! Why does this shit always happen to me?"

"Literally," Morris added.

Neela rolled her eyes as Morris continued to chuckle and the patient kept rambling on. "Please, don't let this be the highlight of my day," she thought to herself.

Abby stood at the admit desk staring blankly at the board. Behind her, Sam was reorganizing the overflowing bin for the lab while she hummed quietly to herself. Suddenly, Abby's lack of concentration was interrupted by a knock on the board from the other side.

"What's the matter, can't read your writing again?" It was Ray. He looked over at her through the see-through panel and smirked.

"No…" she answered. "Some days I just don't get how I can be clearing at least two patients an hour and still be so backed up."

Ray walked around to the other side and joined her in staring at the board. "Try a suppository," he suggested.

Sam looked up and squinted, "Ray…ewww."

"Problem, Taggart?" he asked as he slighted tilted his head in her direction.

"Me? You're the one with a dirty mouth. Maybe someone should shove a suppository down _your_ throat," she teased.

Ray smiled some more and jerked his head over to the other said, "Well then, it wouldn't be a suppository if it was down my throat, now would it?" he joked.

Sam just shook her head and mumbled to herself, "I hate doctors."

"Hey people, let's all stand around the admit desk and talk about how backed up we are with our patient load…_that'll_ solve the problem," Pratt sarcastically added as he picked up a new chart.

Ray and Abby just looked at each other then picked up a couple new charts as well. As they began to walk away, they suddenly heard a voice from behind.

"Hey, hold up a minute everyone," it was Anspaugh. He barely frequented the ER anymore and when he did grace them with his presence, it was usually to bring them some sort of news…usually bad news. This felt like a bad news day.

"This outta be good," Ray said to Abby.

"I want to introduce you all to a new Attending, Dr. Simon Brenner," Anspagh seemed a little to happy to have him aboard. The others watched as he introduced the tall handsome blonde man standing next to him. "I've been trying to get him to come work up here with us for years, and finally it all came together."

"Thanks, Uncle," Simon said, a little embarrassed.

"Ugh oh," Abby whispered, "Just what we need, another lapdog attending." She sighed, "Oh well, I guess he can't be as bad as Clemente."

"Hey, I liked that guy," Ray added.

"Yeah, me too…aside from the paranoia, temper, showmanship, unstable relationship and his psychotic breakdown…he was swell," Abby said.

Ray frowned, "Ok, Ok…aside from that."

"…meet me later for lunch, there's some people I want to introduce you to," Anspaugh said as he patted Simon's back.

"Sure, Uncle Donnie," he said. Simon watched as he left then turned to the others and said, "Sorry about the entrance. He sure knows how to embarrass a guy. You should see him at family reunions after he's had a few."

Abby put her hands in her lab coat still pretending she was paying attention, "You've been in America long?"

"I was working in Melbourne for years. Thought it was time to try something new," he said, his eyes dancing over her body.

"Ok," she said nervously. Ray tried his best to hide his laugh behind his conveniently placed hand. She glanced over at Ray, noticing his amusement and said, "You're not helping!"

He cleared his throat, "So umm…"

"Simon"

"Right, Simon. Australia huh? You surf?" he asked in his best attempts to change to topic away from Abby.

Simon folded his arms, "Surf?" There was some annoyance now residing in his tone, "Oh I get it. Blonde bloke, in shape, Aussie, he must be a surfer. Right? And while you're at it, yes, I cook my _shrimp_ on the barbie, wrestle crocodiles on my free time, and my toilet does indeed flush backwards."

Ray's face went blank. He looked at Abby but she was staring at the floor trying to decide if the tiling had always been that ugly. "Ugh," he finally started after some awkward silence, "I'm sorry, I ugh…"

Simon smacked Ray's back, "Nah I'm just screwing with you, mate! Look forward to working with you all. We should get a beer sometime, yeah?"

"Umm, yeah sure," Ray said blinking rapidly trying to work his way through his confusion.

"And no, I don't drink Foster's…it tastes like camel piss, alright?" he added.

"I didn't say…"

"Just kidding, catch ya later," he winked then made his way to an exam room.

Ray watched then looked down at Abby, "I am so confused. I have no idea what the hell's going on."

"Hmmm," Abby said.

"What?"

"I guess now you know how Morris must feel."

Just then Morris walked over with his hand over his ear. He moaned a little in pain then leaned up against the desk. "Awww man," he moaned again.

Ray looked over, his eyebrow slightly raised, "What's the matter, Morris? Did you try pulling quarters out of your ear again?"

"No," he said still leaned over in pain. "There's this awful ringing."

"From what?" Abby asked.

Morris looked up at them, "I don't know, must have been someone talking about me behind my back! Oh? Oh? Was it you, Twiddle Dee?" He pointed at Abby and twirled his finger in her face. Abby quickly smacked it away.

"Don't you have administrative duties to fulfill?" she nagged.

"Don't _you _have patients to kill?"

"Doesn't _anyone_ work around here anymore?" Came Pratt from behind. "This isn't an episode of _Scrubs_ people. Pick up some charts, get your asses moving and clear that board!" He shook his head in frustration then stomped away.

Abby, Morris and Ray exchanged looks with one another then, Morris declared, "Somebody's PMSing."

Abby nodded, "If by PMSing you meaning 'putting up with Morris's shit'…then yes, I'd have to agree with you one that."

"Right," Ray added. He threw his last chart down on the pile and turned to face Abby and Morris. "Well ladies, I for one am done for the day. You two enjoy yourselves. Have fun with Pratt. Let me know how Dr. Wombat works out." And with that, he made a B-line for the exit.

Sam entered the exam room and changed the I.V. bag for the patient asleep on the bed. Her nursing duties were so drilled into her head by this point in her career that is seemed she need not consciously think about what she was doing. Her movements were committed to memory. She tossed away the emptied bag and turned around to check on the next patient a bed over but something caught her attention. A mumbling, which was not unusual but she had a feeling it wasn't coming from a patient.

She pulled the curtain back from the last bed in the room and found Gates talking to himself whilst staring blankly at his chart as if he needed the Rosetta Stone to make any sense of it.

"Having problems?" she asked.

"What? No I just couldn't read the writing on here…someone needs to work on their penmanship."

Sam grabbed the chart out his hands and glanced down at it for a second, "It's an order for Demerol."

"Demerol, right," he jumped in.

Sam squinted a little then asked, "You feeling alright, Tony?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"No, no reason. You just seem a little off today," she pointed out.

"Oh," he smirked, "Well maybe you know someone who could help me get it _on_."

Sam rolled her eyes, "I'll get the Demerol for you. Why don't you take a break and hit the showers? Preferably a cold one."

"Oh Sam, come on," he shouted to her as she was leaving the room, "You know I love it when they play hard to get."

She tried to ignore him, which would have been easier to do if he was actually capable of shutting his mouth once in a while. Instead she swiftly paced over to the drug lockup. Her sharp turn of the corner collided her straight into Morris.

"Woah, Taggart," he said as he braced her shoulder, "Where's the fire?"

She smacked his hands off of her and entered the lockup. "Back off Morris. I've filled my quota of smart ass doctors for one shift."

"Alright, alright!" he surrendered, "Fair enough. Need me to fire anyone for you?"

She scoffed. "Thanks, I can manage."

"Ok. Seriously though, you let me know! I can at least get all tae kwon do on their ass!" he said as he attempted his best attack stance.

Sam stared. She turned around and retrieved her drugs whilst wondering if she could just lock herself in that room for the rest of her shift.


	2. Chapter 2

* * *

A few hours later and the rush was over. The patient flow was more palpable now. So far not even a trauma was in sight. With a little luck, this day must just end on a high note after all. Abby slowly walked over to the front desk, chart in hand. She filed it away and erased the patient off the board. There she stood for a moment, mentally digesting. Chuny asked her something as she passed but Abby just nodded her head in approval.

Luka noticed his wife's silence, turned around from the stool he was sitting on, then chimed in, "What's the matter Abby, cat got your lip?"

"Tongue," she corrected.

"What?"

"It's cat got your _tongue_," She looked over at Luka then continued, "So have you met our newest addition yet?"

"No. I heard he was starting today though. That good?"

"I just had to present to him. Let's just say he'll fit right in…as with all the other males around this place he appears to have a keen eye for the ladies."

"Oh. Well I'm sure his growl is worse than his bite," he said.

"Bark," Abby corrected.

"What?"

"His bark is…oh forget it."

"Lover's quarrel?" Morris butted in. Abby folder her arms and stared him down. "What? Just asking."

"Why are you always…I don't know…everywhere? All the time?" she asked.

"I believe the word you seek is _omnipresent._"

"No, really," she said.

"No, _really_. Omnipresent, adjective, from the Latin word…"

"I know what the damn word means! I wanna know how the hell you do it!" she snapped.

Morris flinched back. "Easy, Abby! Hey Luka, I think you need to keep your woman on the short lease for a bit. Huh?"

Luka looked at him then responded, "I'm a six-foot-four Croatian with a bad temper."

Morris shook his head back and forth, "What? What's that? That's what you call a comeback?" he questioned.

Luka stood up from his stool and looked down at Morris, towering over him, "No, that's what I call warning."

* * *

The young girl rubbed her eyes, which only seemed to worsen their redness. She could hardly see now, they were so blurred from tears.

"Honey, try not to rub," her mother said lovingly with a placed hand on her shoulder.

"It's itchy," the child replied as she now rubbed the other eye.

Gates sat down on the side of the bed and directed his attention towards the mother. "How long has she been like this?"

"About a week now," she said. "We thought maybe it was just from the pollen or something but it hasn't let up yet."

"You have a dog? Or Cat? Any kind of pet with fur?" he asked.

"No, no pets at all. I'm sorry, I wouldn't have made a trip to the ER for this, but it's really bothering her. The clinic's closed until Monday, and she's been so uncomfortable."

Gates examined her eyes then faced the girl, "Well the good news is that it's not pink eye, little Missy."

"I like pink," she assured him.

"Not this kind you don't," he smiled. Looking back at the mother he continued, "It's hard to pinpoint the exact allergen, but we'll get her on some drugs and that should take care of her for now." He assured.

"Thank you, doctor," she replied.

Gates looked then said, "No problem. You can follow up with your primary. She should be good to go."

Sam was making her way down the hall when she saw Gates backing out of the room, still talking to his patients. She pivoted around on her foot and tried to head in the other direction before he could spot her, but it was too late.

"Hey Sam," he said as he trotted over, "Wait up."

Sam rolled her eyes then made her best attempt to speak in her nice-voice, which was usually an octave above her normal level. "Yes, doctor?"

"I was wondering if you wanted to go get something to eat after this."

"Oh, thanks. But I need to pick up Alex when I leave." She loved that excuse. It was half-true most of the time and no one ever questioned it.

"Okay, some other time then."

Sam just smiled, not wanting to give him the verbal confirmation of a rain-check. Luckily, Gates turned down the other hall heading towards the admit desk, in the opposite direction. She couldn't help but let out a small sigh of relief. She didn't know if there was something in the water, or perhaps in the coffee, but all the doctors were surely getting on her nerves today.

Gates glanced over his collection of charts, all seemed to be in order. But Luka was no where in sight, looks like he would have to tread some water with the new guy. He glanced around the main exam but didn't seem him anywhere.

"Anyone seen the Australian?" he asked.

"He's in the lounge," came Haleh, with a smile on her face.

"What?" Gates inquired.

"Nothing, he's just a looker," she confessed.

"Hey, not too long ago_ I_ was the hot new guy, remember that? Don't need to be losing the good graces of my nurses now!"

Haleh just smiled, "Mmmhmm."

"What?" he asked again, confused.

"Honey, lose the scruff, trim the hair, and dress better, _then_ we can talk."

Gates scoffed a little. Accepting defeat wasn't really a skill had had acquired throughout his years. Then again, neither was humbleness. Reluctantly, he headed towards the lounge. There, he found Brenner making himself at home. Gates watched for a moment as he moved his belongings into a locker. Brenner felt the weight of someone's stare and turned to face him.

"Can you sign off on some charts?" Gates asked.

Brenner looked up and shut the locker door. He didn't say anything; instead he responded by extending his hand out. Gates passed him the pile of charts and watched as Brenner glanced over them. He signed off on the first one, then the second. When he got to the third he took a little extra time to read it.

"You spelled _Albuterol _wrong," he said as he shoved the chart back to Gates.

"Opps," he replied while he tried to spot the error himself.

"And here you spelled _Zyrtec _wrong," he studied the chart a little longer. "Did you take the vitals, or the nurse?"

"I did, Sam was swamped."

Brenner looked at him like he was a complete idiot. "Right. Soooo," he said as he held the chart up to Gates' face, "Can I safely assume this patient didn't _really_ have her blood pressure at 80/120 then?"

"Sorry."

"Sorry?" Simon mocked, "What the hell, this isn't primary school. You want to play doctor with me then act like one instead of some Sylvan Learning Center dropout."

Gates grinded his teeth. "I was a little stressed, I made some mistakes on the write-up; that's all."

"A little stressed?" he repeated again. Brenner flipped through the charts, "Let's see…allergies…asthma…migraine…oh and an abdominal pain which turned out to be menstrual cramps. Yeah, I'd say you've had a rough shift."

"Hey look, I…"

"No, you look," Brenner continued, "I thought I was coming here to work in a real hospital with real doctors. Instead I find_ you_ stumbling around to diagnose your way through a bunch of displaced school nurse cases. So what? Your excuse is that you can't think when you're stressed?"

"No, I just…"

"You just what? You're just the only idiot who actually _didn't_ get those two-hundred free points on you SATs for spelling your name right?"

Gates' first instinct was to sucker punch they guy. But for once, he held back. He couldn't foresee a disciplinary meeting with Anspaugh and his prick nephew ending well for him. He grinded his teeth again, this time a little more intensely.

"I think I hear a trauma coming in," he lied as he made his exit.

"Great!" Brenner shouted after him, "I'll be sure to leave my pager on in case you get a nose bleeder!"

* * *

_That night…_

Ray opened his eyes and rolled over on the couch. There was a loud ringing in his ear and his eyes burned. He sat up and directed his attention over to the kitchenette where Neela was cussing to herself. She was on her toes trying to fan the smoke detector with a towel while her dinner burned in the frying pan.

"Why didn't you wake me?" he asked as he assisted her in fanning the smoke away from the sensor, "I would have made something for you."

"Sorry. I wanted to let you rest."

The beeping finally stopped. Ray looked down at the stove and placed the hot pan and burnt food into the sink. "What? And let you eat this garbage? Sit, I'll fix you something."

"No, that's ok. Go back to sleep, I'll manage. I'll make a salad or something…I can't burn a salad," she said.

Ray smiled as she bent over and pulled some lettuce from the fridge. "Any excitement up on the sixth floor today?" he asked.

"Nope, nothing too bad," she said as she reached in the back to pull out some Caesar dressing. "I did an appy this afternoon; that was about it. Did I miss anything fun in the ER?"

"Not really," he cracked his neck then ran his fingers through his hair. "Well, we did have a new attending start today."

"Oh yeah? I think I heard about that. Someone's nephew or something?"

"Not _someone's_ nephew, Anspaugh's," he pointed out.

She chopped up some tomatoes and looked over her shoulder at him. "Oh. Have fun with _that_ one!"

"Yeah," he folded his arms and leaned against the fridge, "He seemed kinda…I don't know."

"Well, he can't be any worse then…"

"Clemente, yeah I know," he said.

Neela placed her chopped vegetables in a bowl. "I was going to say Weaver, but alright." She smiled and made her way to the couch. Ray followed and sat beside her resting his arm behind her head. Her turned the TV on for her and watched her munch on her salad. "I start my rotation tomorrow," she added.

"I'm so proud of you, Neela. Knock 'em dead!" he blinked rapidly, "Ok maybe that expression doesn't work so well when you apply it to surgery…"

"You are _so_ cute." She took another bit of her salad.

"You know," he started, a little hesitant.

Neela took the remote and began scanning through the DVR's show list. "Awa, _Ghosts Hunters_ didn't tape," she pointed out.

"No, it did. It was a repeat again so I deleted it."

"Dammit. What were you saying?" she asked as she flipped through the rest of their shows.

"We umm…I don't want this to come out the wrong way. I don't wanna sound pushy but…"

Neela was now looking at him, "What? Go ahead."

"It's just that we haven't talked about a date yet."

Neela looked down at her hand. She still wore his skull ring on her thumb ever since he proposed to her on Halloween. He insisted it was just temporary and that he would purchase her a proper engagement ring, but she refused. There was something much more sentimental and romantic about his make-shift ring. It was much more _Ray_.

Ray looked at her. He sometimes found himself talking around situations or avoiding certain conversations altogether with her. It was just that so much happened between them. So much happened leading up to them finally being together. He did not want to do anything to jeopardize it. Whether that meant biting his tongue when there was more he wished to say, or taking extra steps to make sure they didn't fight over the meaningless everyday things that every couple tended to get so caught up on.

The last thing he wanted to be with her was pushy. It was a delicate situation. He did not want to pressure her into marrying him. She could take all the time she needed, but he also did not want her to think _he_ was the one putting it off. Maybe he was over thinking the situation. In fact, he was fairly sure he was.

"I know," she agreed. Her focus was now back on the TV.

"I mean. I'm not trying to pressure you. If you don't want to go that route again I'd understand. I just though maybe…"

"Hey!" she butted in. "Hey," she repeated again in a soft and loving tone, the kind that make his heart sink. Neela reached out to him and placed her hand on his cheek. "I love you," she said before she leaned in and kissed him slowly on his lips. Ray smiled at her then reached for her hand to hold. She continued, "I want to be your wife. Don't you think for a minute that I was second guessing that, OK?"

Ray smiled again, then softly whispered, "OK."

"We've both just been so distracted with work. That's all," she squeezed his hand. "Besides, I don't know if we should even bother with a big-to-do. Maybe we should just do it small, simple…something quiet." Ray's smile was gone. He looked down with a bit of a pout. "You don't agree," she stated.

"No. I'm sick of all these fly-by-night weddings, secret weddings, eloping," he looked down for a moment, then back at her, "It's the most intimate and important thing I'm going to do in my life. I _want_ to make it a big deal. I want everyone to know it's a big deal."

Neela smiled and looked up at him with her doe eyes. She them embraced him in her arms and began kissing him.


End file.
